Coffee Addiction - The Cycle Ends Once Again

This coffee addiction is like the beloved blankie I couldn't part with until I was 13 years old. I loved that blankie so much, it comforted me through my childhood in many ways. At 13, I knew I'd outgrown it but for some reason I just couldn't let it go. Finally one day after building up the courage over many weeks, I acted in bold defiance against the part of myself that wouldn't grow up and I let it go. On the next trash day, I marched out to the curb and threw that blankie in the trash can. With sadness in my heart, I watched my treasured friend get dumped over the side of the truck, getting lost within the rest of people's inconsequential trash. Sure I missed it for awhile, especially at night, but I felt better knowing I had successfully made that right of passage from being a kid to being a teenager.

Today my Coffee Addiction got thrown in the trash.

I woke up a few days ago with a distinct taste of disdain on my tongue and a heavy fatigue throughout my entire body. It's a stage in the cycle of coffee addiction I know quite well after having been through it many times now. After I quitting for 3 months back in July, I started drinking a small cup of 1/2 decaf 1/2 regular again in October after hearing that it was okay on the NB program because coffee is yang. Ideally, Dr. Wilson says not to drink it because overall it is bad for our body, but he said if you have to have one cup you can.

But my mind only heard the first part, that it was okay to have some, and used that as an excuse to go back on it even though I knew with every cell in my being that my adrenals won't heal as quickly if I am drinking it. The self sabotaging part of me is incredibly powerful. I am truly amazed.

Despite my disdain a few days ago, I watched myself get up and make a cup of even stronger coffee than I had been drinking, I actually had 2 cups of it and then buzzed through a blog post and finally ate some food around 10:30am. Of course it felt good to be wired and energized, but this false energy went away and a heavier fatigue set in after the buzz wore off.

After a couple more days of drinking even stronger and stronger doses, 2 days of having a double Americano instead of just brewed at home, my body finally had enough and I was fatigued pretty much all day yesterday. That was the final draw, if I am to have the energy to help people with NB and do all the things I want to do with my website, this addiction has got to stop.

To be fair to myself, it is my last major unhealthy addiction in my life. This is why I'm not beating myself up too much. Getting rid of addictions takes time and patience. I got rid of my addictions to pills, pot, ciggs and alcohol over a 5 year period which I am very proud of. As far as the sugar drug goes, thanks to NB I don't actually have sugar cravings that often anymore and when I do, 1 little piece of chocolate is enough to satisfy. So this coffee is the last drug I use in my life that really gives me a distinct change of state, allows me to escape any discomfort of being tired, and makes me feel really good for awhile.

The thing is that now since I'm doing the Nutritional Balancing , I actually don't need it, overall I feel great and I actually have natural sustained energy a lot of the time. So the coffee drinking is defeating the purpose of this NB program because it's slowing down my healing. In the long run, I am wasting my money if I keep up this addiction because I'll have to keep buying the supplements longer to heal.

So last night, it was decided. I texted my friend who knows all about my coffee addiction and how I want to quit and I said if I drank coffee I would have to give him $25 every time I had some for the whole week. And to my delight, this morning I actually woke up feeling good, brewed some coffee for an enema and did that instead of drinking it. It gave me just the right amount of energy and right after I had some breakfast. This will be my new morning ritual.

I'll have to deal with the discomfort of being tired when those times come; with rest, infrared saunas and coffee enemas. Learning how not to resist being tired is an art and I will be working on it. I'm so grateful that life is supporting me in my healing journey. I'll be prioritizing this time I have to free myself from this final addiction. It's become clear that when I put my health first, everything else falls in place. Life force energy is one of the main ingredients for true happiness in life and I'm determined to reclaim mine.

Astrology note: Today the Sun conjunct Saturn in Scorpio in my 4th house of emotional security.

9 week Update - Sardines, Saunas, Syncing with the Moon and Using Reflexology

Is it strange that my idea of fun is building a sauna in my bathroom and seeing how much I can sweat? Well, that's what I consider fun these days. Whohoo!

I'm going on the 9th week of the NB program and overall I'm feeling so much better than before I started. There are definitely some days where I'm tired but it isn't nearly as severe as it was before I changed my diet and started the supplements. There is much less resistance when I do have tired days because I now have the awareness that my body and adrenals need to be in resting mode in order to heal. As I look back through my journals before I started this program I notice the crash pattern was much more severe than it is now and I never had days of sustained energy throughout the entire day like I do now. Before, I would have a few days of good energy and then up to a week of major fatigue. Now I have many days of good energy and then a couple days of fatigue but it isn't extreme. I have been working a few days a week doing some light manual labor (basically sitting down in a chair and using scissors to trim plants) and I have been able to go all day for a couple days without getting tired and this is huge progress!

My cravings for sugar and carbs are almost completely gone. I have been having gluten free waffles and gluten free toast with butter a few times a week for when I do crave carbs. I also have a little bit of raw sugar in my coffee in the morning. After dinner I usually get a slight sweet tooth but nothing like before I started the program. And I can definitely resist it most often. Occasionally I'll have a bite of sugar free chocolate but mostly I can get through the night without having any sweets. It took me a minute to realize this as I was writing this post but this is also huge progress! Wow I'm amazed at this myself.

There has been a constant slight body odor coming out of me and constant soreness in my hip flexor area. I see these things as positive because it means I am detoxing. I've been doing coffee enemas about 4 times a week and now I've started a sauna routine (see next post) in my bathroom in the evenings. Also, my feet are sore and I've been doing some foot reflexology. My feet have been sore in the duodenum and kidney areas. Rubbing these areas feels really good. If you push on your feet and you're sore in a specific area, you can use this chart to find out what part of the body it corresponds to.

My challenges remain the coffee addiction and eating more cooked veggies. I have been waking up tired and of course coffee is the first thing I think of. I just watched this podcast about Adrenal Fatigue and Pam Kileen talked about how drinking coffee won't allow the adrenals to heal. Duh! I totally know this instinctually but it's a powerful addiction that just won't let go. It makes perfect common sense and I really don't understand why Dr. Wilson and my practitioner told me 1 cup of coffee a day is okay when I'm in a four lows pattern. My mind used that as an excuse to start back up and now here I am back in the addiction. The reason they say this is because coffee is yang but I don't think that means it's good for everyone, especially people who's adrenal's are shot. 

Staying in witness consciousness watching myself play out the addiction loop once again. The difference this time is that I'm not beating myself up about it, I trust in the process. I also don't crave it later in the day like I used to, it's just in the morning. I'm holding the vision of my life without coffee strong in my mind and I know I'll be able to get there once again. My ideal routine is to wake up and do a sadhna practice first thing,  then after that I want to eat breakfast and do a Coffee Enema. Right now I am drinking coffee first thing and then eating breakfast and then meditation with a coffee enema.

In January I'll be going to a 12 day Ayahuasca retreat at the Temple of the Way of Light. This will be just the thing to get me back on a more healthy routine. In order to prepare for the trip, you have to cut out coffee, sugar, salt, pork, sex and masturbation and a few other things for a week or two. When I come back I will be caffeine free once and for all. In the meantime, I'm enjoying this damn coffee!

I finally tried Sardines and they're actually pretty good. Dr. Wilson has this great article about why Sardines are one of the best foods you can eat today. They're packed with Vitamin D, Omega 3s and Selenium, protein, and minerals. Selenium is a very important mineral which is crucial for our mental and spiritual development. I made a Sardine salad (which is kind of like tuna salad) that was recommended to me on FB. I ate it with blue chips and it was a delicious and filling snack.

Oh and I'm all synced up with the moon already. Cool! Last month the blood moon caused my period to come early and come super heavy. This month it synced me up with the full moon. This is a common benefit of being on the program for women.

On November 6th, the full moon in Taurus in my 10th house of career indicated a culmination of something. Well I finished my NB Practitioner's training exactly on that day and sent in my tests to Dr. Wilson. As long as I got 90% on all three tests, I'll be getting my diploma in about 2 weeks! Then I'll be paired up with an seasoned practitioner as a mentor for my advanced training. I'm so excited to start helping my friends and family get hair tests and start on a program. I already have at least 10 people interested. I have so much to learn about NB science, analyzing hair tests, and running a business and I'm ready for the challenge. Whohoo!

1 Month Update - Newness is Wearing off and the Challenges of Traveling

It's been 1 month since I started Nutritional Balancing. The newness of it is wearing off and it's been more challenging to stick with the diet. I'm not as energetic as I was in the first couple weeks but I do still have way more energy than I did without the supplements. I've continued doing coffee enemas most mornings. It's a great time for me to meditate, helps with the small headaches I've been having from detoxing, and always makes me feel good afterwords. And I've been studying like crazy. 25% through the NB book you need to read to become a practitioner. It's a biggie! I'm learning a lot and will need to read it 3 more times to make a lot of the information sink it.

I'm searching for some new recipe ideas and am working on getting creative with veggies while keeping them simple. This morning I'm going to try making Rutabaga fried potatoes because I'm missing potatoes for breakfast. I'm not waking up hungry or craving vegetables so I've started eating oatmeal with cinnamon, vanilla and butter. This is part of the diet if you can tolerate a little gluten which I seem to be doing fine with.

It was my Mom's birthday this week and I got to spend it with her, and my sister. We went to Tahoe for 2 nights. It was the first trip away from home since I started this program. I don't know how people can travel and stay on this diet! It's very challenging. I was also on my moon while we were there and feeling tired so although I made a good effort and managed to eat some of my meals in alignment with the diet, I slipped up a bit because I was hungry and the food was there in front of me. Unfortunately, most of the world's restaurants aren't exactly in alignment with the concept of a 70% vegetable diet so even when you do ask for more veggies they give you maybe 25% veggies on your plate. I did have an amazing steak at Lew Mar Nel's and 3 bites of my Mom's birthday cheesecake which was incredible. Sugar is truly a drug! There was this place called Sprouts Cafe which served healthier food, I had 2 good meals there. For breakfast I ordered a bowl of steamed spinach and 2 lightly scrambled eggs and they were happy to make it for me.

I've slipped up in the coffee department. Because I started waking up really tired with a headache all last week, I decided I could have a cup in the morning and typical to Trista fashion I had one the next morning and next morning and now I'm on day 5 of coffee in the morning. I just love the ritual too much. I'm keeping it at 1 cup and lightly caffeinated so it's not really giving me a huge buzz, it's more about the taste and the ritual. Right now, I'm sitting here in the quiet hours of the morning sipping my hot coffee, relaxing on my couch with the window open, breathing in the fresh cold air while listening to the rain outside and writing this blog. This scenario is possibly one of my favorite in life. And the coffee makes it that much better. Oh coffee you are my greatest love and the thorn in my existence. Someday I will conquer you.

There's a fine line between seeking perfection and having the discipline I want to live the life I want. With Saturn, the planet of discipline, as my Atmakaraka (my soul's direction) and on my ascendent (the body), I am here to learn to be disciplined especially when it comes to my body and what I put in it. Also this is indicated in my Gate 21 which is in my Human Design personality Earth - that which keeps me grounded. Gate 21 is all about control and it's true, I am on a path of learning to be in control of my ego mind and what I put in my body because it will help me live fully in the present moment. And at the same time I have to be gentle with myself and understand I'm allowed to slip up sometimes. Also, I have to be gentle with others remembering they have completely different life purposes.

Being in the casino part of Tahoe made me melancholic and sad for the state that humanity is in. Casinos to me are just filled with unhappy, unhealthy people who are are under a deep hypnosis and can't get out. I guess I'm more sensitive now to the vibrations of a place because as soon as we left our hotel and went into nature, my melancholy lifted and I felt great.

I had an insight about food. Most people including me have been raised in an environment that is focused on food as the source of pleasure and satisfaction. So much of life revolves around food, getting food, planning food, saving food, preparing food, eating food. And it's been this way for humans since we came to this planet. But instead of food for nourishment, today we've evolved our eating to the point where we eat food to stimulate our senses so we can feel alive. Most food is incredibly rich and flavorful, made with tons of salt and sugar because our senses have become numbed from so much stimulation. To overcome our food addictions, we need something that fulfill's us deeper than sensual pleasures. We MUST cultivate a connection to GOD, whatever form it is for you, because this connection is the ONLY thing that will truly fulfill us. And there's a feedback loop, the more we work on giving our bodies healthy food, the more we can connect to spirit, the more we connect to God/Sprit, the more we want to give ourselves healthy food. Toxins (sugar, alcohol, anti-depressants, drugs, preservatives, etc.) directly affect our ability to feel this connection. This is why plant medicines are so effective. They help us remember our divinity and connection to all things while taking away the stuck traumas and toxins that keep us feeling separate in our everyday life.

I will continue on the NB program, meditate everyday, be grateful for everything I have, spend lots of time in nature, and pray for my connection with the Divine Creator to deepen.

Next week I'll be working on building my home infrared sauna to help me detox even more. I plan on putting it in my bathroom for now.